New Zealand vs Uruguay
There are many reasons why New Zealand (with its robust population of just over five million) is a better country than poor Uruguay (with its paltry three and a half million). Here are some of them.
Number 1. The Name. New Zealand is named after the least populous province of The Netherlands, a country with which it has only the most nominal connection. There is a movement in New Zealand to change the name of the country to its Polynesian name—Aotearoa—which translates into English as “Land of the Long White Cloud”—a common nickname of the country. It would be an inspired change. But, why trade something for something better? Such is just not the way things are done in New Zealand.
The official name of Uruguay is “La Republica Orientale de Uruguay” (The Eastern Republic of Uruguay.) Orientale? Eastern? It is a country on the southeast corner of the Western Hemisphere! The name is irresistible in its absurdity. But, no, misnamed New Zealand still has the better name.
Number 2. The Flag. The official flag of New Zealand has four stars and a Union Jack. But, the more famous flag is that of the national rugby team “The All Blacks”. That flag features a white feather (the traditional English symbol of cowardice) against a black background—and is an infinitely better reflection of the Kiwi true character.
Uruguay? Its flag features the sun, which is smiling with smug self-satisfaction—a confidence that can only invite suspicion. Who would trust such a star?
No, laughably anachronistic as it is, the Jack and Stars flag is the better flag.
Number 3. Leadership. Until recently, Jacinda Arden was the prime minister of New Zealand. She is a nice lady who had a baby while PM, has a househusband straight out of Central Casting and– to the best of my knowledge– has never been arrested.
Pepe Mujica was president of Uruguay from 2010 to 2015. (Presidents in Uruguay can serve only one five year term.) He spent over a decade in prison for bank robbery and on terrorism charges. Bank robbing is bad, even when the robber doesn’t kill the bank manager during the robbery.
I have to vote for New Zealand when it comes to leadership.
Number 4. Accomplishments. New Zealand was the first country to give women the right to vote. Uruguay was the first country to legalize (not just decriminalize) the recreational use of marijuana. Giving women the right to vote—despite the downsides of suffrage—is arguably a good thing. But, allowing people to bliss out on government regulated and taxed marijuana is bad—no matter how delightful it is to smoke a half and half with one’s morning coffee or yerba mate’ and a pipeful of full-strength in the late afternoon. Drugs are bad.
My mind is a bit cloudy on this issue, but New Zealand seems to be the more accomplished country.
Number 5. Sports. New Zealand’s Rugby Union super team the “All Blacks” sets the standard for rugby worldwide. No country with a comparably small population can boast of such a high standard of play. While the sport of Rugby League is clearly superior to the sport of Rugby Union, is it the fault of the All Blacks that they play the wrong kind of rugby? Should they be punished for this?
In contrast, Uruguay’s only sports accomplishment—and a modest one at that—is that it has twice won the quadrennial World Cup in Soccer. Big deal. Any country can do that and most countries have!
Conclusion: New Zealand is better at sports.
Number 6. Capital City. Wellington, New Zealand is distinguished by being both the windiest city and the southernmost capital city in the world. Most of its cultural events either take place at the mausoleum-like New St. Paul’s Cathedral in the CBD or in the suburb of Lower Hutt. Nga Taonga is the national film archive, showing a wonderfully balanced selection of whingey and whiny movies–the envy of politically correct populations worldwide. Of course, Cuba Street (named after a ship, rather than the country) is pretty cool. But, by limiting entertainment, the City encourages a healthy introspection that only feels like boredom.
Montevideo, in contrast, has an abundance of entertainment and concert venues (such as the 170 year old Teatro Solis), museums and the Cinemateca with its three large and identical auditoria, showing classic and arthouse films every day. The tango culture permeates all aspects of life. Pretty much everyone drinks yerba mate’ while doing pretty much everything,
However, a city can be too colorful, too engaging and too exciting! The tango culture objectifies women! What looks like ecstasy only hides the hurt and humiliation suffered by women forced to endure it, thanks to the patriarchy. The world would be better without it.
Thus, Wellington must be the better capital city.
Number 7, Food. Per capita, New Zealand has the most sheep and Uruguay has the most beef cattle of any country in the world The New Zealand national dish—Hangi—a dish compose of meat or fish and root vegetables that is cooked underground–is known to all Kiwis, but eaten by few and commercially available to none. In contrast, the Uruguayans have Chivitos–a delicious, open faced sandwich loaded with slices of beef, cheese, mayonnaise and is topped with a fried egg–plus more mayonnaise. It is an absolute delight. However, it is repugnant to vegans and must, therefore, be reviled by all.
Keeping in mind that Hangi is a traditional Maori dish and has less meat in it than chivitos, the evils of cultural appropriation are less vile than hurting the feelings of vegans. Thus, I pronounce Kiwi cuisine to be superior to la comida Uruguayana–at least until the consumption of meat can be forcibly prohibited by both countries.
Number 8. Covid 19. New Zealand has a higher per capita infection rate than Uruguay (387 vs 256 per million as of October 2020) and has the advantage of being separated from its nearest neighbor by over 2,000 kilometers of ocean. You couldn’t infect the country if you wanted to!
Uruguay is bordered by the third and fifth most infected countries in the world (Brazil and Argentina). Should be a nightmare, right? No, it is rightly known as La Suiza de Sudamerica (the Switzerland of South America) and may have the best health care system in the world—certainly it is among the most cost-effective. Due to widespread testing, contact tracking and social distancing, it has done a wonderful job of keeping the virus under control. In fact, it is the only country in the Western Hemisphere whose passport holders can get tourist visas for travel in the European Union. Such is not to say that returnees won’t face lengthy quarantines when they return.
However, to suggest that Uruguay has done a better job of managing Covid 19 would be to denigrate a female head of state. This I will not do. I will not engage in the sexist practices that have discredited my woeful gender. New Zealand again gets top marks.
In conclusion, New Zealand must be better than Uruguay. To believe otherwise would be to deprive Kiwis of the one thing that distinguishes them–their facile and specious sense of superiority. I politely, but emphatically, demand that you feel the same way.
Michael T George
29 October 2020
